I’m Back!!

I came home tonight determined to write something.  It’s been ages since I posted in this blog and it took me a long time to figure out what’s been going on with me.  Quite simply, I’ve been depressed.  Sure, I’ve been going to work, playing with my grandson, reading some books, but underlying this has been depression.  The reason….the election.  For the first few months, I didn’t know that it showed, didn’t even really know I was feeling it.  But when I got my review at work, I was asked if everything was OK and while I was saying yes, it dawned on me…no.  I was not OK.  I was scared.  Scared about the future that I have left.  If I were still married, perhaps it wouldn’t have hit so hard, but since I’m not, it’s all up to me and while I certainly have made progress and am doing OK, there aren’t enough years left to plan for a single retirement.  So, yes, I’m scared.  And the root of my fear is who won the election.  Not that he’s a Republican but because I have zero respect or trust for the guy. (gag) So every day I’m wondering if I’ll ever really be able to retire, have decent health insurance, enough money to be comfortable, to eat healthy,  and to finally get to do something for me.  I don’t know if you know but Cumberland County is either the first or second poorest county in the state so my earnings have been good for these standards, but not great by others.  And I of course stayed here because my husband wanted to.  And once my grandson arrived… well, you know. So the result of this depression and worry  is that creativity got wiped out.  I couldn’t think what to write, couldn’t sit down to write, didn’t feel like writing, but at the same time was yearning to write.  No crafts, no knitting or sewing, not much reading, just work and playing with my grandson when he was here.  He could lift my spirits but at the same time I was so tired and just wanted to sleep. (By the way, I didn’t want to turn this into a political discourse so I kept my comments to a minimum but rest assured, I could go deep on the topic. But maybe another time.) Also, physically I can’t do the things I used to do so that just added to the depression.  But today….today…I said enough.  I need to get off my ass and do something that I feel good about.  So I may be rusty but I’m typing.

And eating.  I’m balancing a bowl of homemade soup while I type, just some orzo, fresh broccoli, spinach, and broth, but I haven’t had pasta for ages and tonight’s the night!

So what do I write about?  Originally, I started this blog as a way to help me to get over the divorce, which it did, and that was its purpose.  Fulfilled.  But I can’t spend forever writing about starting over because I did, and I am.  Other than the aforementioned issue, I’m OK.  It would be like beating a dead horse to keep writing about starting over so I need a new topic.  While I’m giving this some thought, I do want to mention the class reunion.  (50th)

It was my first reunion and I can honestly say I didn’t want to leave.  I’m not real great on my feet in crowds so I wish I could have gotten around more but I enjoyed every minute of it. Carole and Jerry took me under their wing and made sure I was OK, and it was so great to be able to talk to everyone and see how we’ve changed, and how some haven’t changed.  I had some special conversations, good food, and loved the location.  I haven’t been “home” since the 70’s and as I got into Summit, I barely recognized it, except for one little area.  (I remember the first time I drove Dad’s 67 Plymouth Belvedere to Summit and had to park that boat in the lot behind the stores.  I spent ages trying to ease into a space, sweating, scared I’d hit someone, and got so stressed that finally I left.)  I didn’t do much driving around NP once I left for college and rarely got back home, and then my parents moved to the shore.  So this trip, every time I saw a landmark that I recognized, it was so exciting.  Driving down Springfield Ave., I at first didn’t see much I recognized, but then I came to Livingston Ave.(I think) and  Gale Drive and knew where I was.  I’m going to admit that I cried.  And am now.  We were so blessed to grow up there.  I of course missed the turn into the apartments and had to go downtown to turn around, and everything was so different from my last visit over 30 years ago..  I found my way to my home and the yard looked so small and the trees so huge! It felt so good to be there. Ricky A. lived down one end and Dale S. lived up the other, with my house halfway.  Safe, innocent, a good life back then. After looking like a stalker taking pictures, I moved on and ended up out by OLP and managed to find my way to Blue Star (used to go parking at Seeley’s Pond) and out onto Rt. 22.  My journey ended in Union at my sister’s house and I was quite pleased with myself for finding my way without the GPS.   I want to thank Fran and Linda for putting that all together.  It gave me something I didn’t know I was missing and I’d love to take my son there and show him where I grew up.Where I live now is nothing like that though it does have pockets that are somewhat similar.  I’m hopeful that we do get to do it again in Florida and that we all are healthy enough to go. And that if you couldn’t attend the NP event maybe you can make it to Florida.

I guess the reunion ended up being my topic for this post.   It’s been so long since I posted I hope that I can remember how to get into the blog. I guess if you’re reading this I figured it out!  I’m thinking about future topics so if you have any ideas, please send them to me.  It might just be “life goes on” unless some inspiration hits.  

Until next time….it feels good to be back.

Shelley

My Son

My son is an amazing human being.  He has been my rock throughout this whole starting over process and I would give him the credit for helping me get back on track and not fall further into the abyss.

My sweet two year old

He was born almost 34 years ago and was a beautiful, loving little boy.  I have always felt blessed that he is my son and we went through very little of those “bad” stages as he grew.  No terrible two’s, no mouthy teen!  Of course, he had his moments but mostly was a joy.  He and I were very close as his dad always worked long hours, leaving the two of us together all of the time.

When he was very young, he developed a passion for sports, starting with a baseball card collection, playing his first basketball at the Y, Little League Baseball, high school basketball and then college basketball.  He was a tall boy, athletic, and natural on the court and field, who dreamed of playing for the NBA.  We tried to keep him grounded in reality, but at the same time, encourage him to follow his dream.  He had many noteworthy moments in sports and his proud mom kept all of the newspaper clippings.  His grandfather was a coach, phys. ed. teacher, and Athletic Director and was thrilled to see the success that my son had, generating a bond between them that was wonderful to see.  His dad and I went to every game and sports became our social life.  It gave us a chance to meet new people, travel, and spend hours together as a family. We had a lot of fun and many wonderful, close moments, and totally enjoyed this time.

Just so you don’t think that my son breezed through life and fulfilled his dream, there’s more you need to know.  When he was about 14, he went through a growth spurt.  During that time, he always carried a heavy backpack full of books, usually on one shoulder as we later found out.  And over time, his body shifted and he developed scoliosis which necessitated his wearing a brace for 23 hours a day.  It was under his clothes but you could tell that he was wearing it, a devastating experience for a teen.  It straightened him from armpit to butt, made of stiff, heavy plastic, with indentations in the areas that had to push his body back in alignment.   I used to cry at his distress but he faithfully wore that thing for a very long time.  He still has it, a symbol of winning over adversity, and he managed to straighten out his back without surgery.  I have to also give credit to his school mates because no one picked on him and his teammates were supportive, which I’m sure helped him comply.

Teen

Fast forward to college and at the end of the school year, he was involved in a situation  which was life-threatening, traumatic, and life changing.  We had to make him come home and deal with post traumatic stress disorder and he lost his chance to start as Point Guard in his last year of junior college.  He would most likely have gotten a Division 1 scholarship to finish his BA, as this school produced a team that all went D-1, but his mental health had to be a priority.  The result was that he met a wonderful therapist but lost the chance at his dream.  There just wasn’t time and resources at the local college and while he continued to play, it did not give him the same opportunities.

So, basketball, playing overseas, his dream-gone.  I worried about him all the time because he just couldn’t find another dream to replace that one.  He worked, went to class, met a girl, but what would come next?  What did he want to do with his life?

B & Sabrina

I’m happy to say that my son has finally “found his future”, which coincidentally is the name of the book that he wrote and is getting ready to self publish.  He has come to believe that the things he went through directed him down this new path to become the man he was meant to be.  He is passionate about life, about helping people, and works in two non-profits while working to create his own programs and ideas.  He is positive and believes in the law of attraction, attracting good things to himself.  He is a wonderful father to my beautiful  grandson and mate to my daughter-in-law.  And he is a son who has worked hard to understand his father’s issues and still maintain a relationship with him and who saved his mother from a depression that had me sitting in a chair, not eating, not working, not doing anything for three months.  He wouldn’t let me keep crying and mourning.  He made me get out of that chair and start to live again.  And he moved in with me to help me save my home and keep a roof over my head.  He’s the reason I  started this blog and the reason that I have happiness back in my life.

I love you, Baby Boy!

My son and grandson

No Words!

Since my last post about my father, my mind has been totally blank and I haven’t been able to write. That was a very emotional writing for me but I didn’t expect that it would be a block to my creativity. It’s been like having all of the words sucked out of my brain and having it shrink smaller and smaller. I feared that no words would come back but I think they are beginning to slowly seep in and I’m thinking about writing again. I wrote for Examiner.com today and also this post. Phew! Thank goodness!!

I just recently discovered that I like to write and losing it so abruptly was scary. So, I’m getting back in the groove and topics are coming to mind again. I have a lot I want to talk about and I’m feeling good about getting back to it. I’ve got my next blog post written and it just needs some fine tuning.

So, I’m going to pour a cup of tea and get started. Talk again real soon!